CHARITY AND HUMILITY AT WORK IN A MARITAL RELATIONSHIP.

Definition of charity 

As a virtue, charity is that habit or power which disposes us to love God above all creatures for Himself, and to love ourselves and our neighbours for the sake of God. When this power or habit is directly infused into the soul by God, the virtue is supernatural; when it is acquired through repeated personal acts, it is natural. 

Bible verses on Charity

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her." Ephesians 5:25

"The second is this: 'Love your neighbour as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."  Mark 12:31.

Charitable Love

The two terms "love" and "charity" are frequently used interchangeably, and with good reason, since the virtue of charity is in fact a kind of love. However, the two are not identical; not all forms of love are also charitable. For example, we often hear expressions like, "I love hot chocolate," or "I love football and these kinds of love, while all good in themselves, still fall somewhat short of the love that is charity.What sort of love is charity, then? Quite simply, charity is the Love of God, in which we are able to participate; for with Charity we share in God's act of love; we are able to love the way God loves.

All this begs the question: how does God love? What especially characterizes Divine loving? The only way to find the answer is to examine how God loves us. More precisely, we have to reflect on how God manifests His love in the two great moments of Divine love for humanity. Those two moments are Creation and the Incarnation.

Creation might be accurately described as God loving things into existence. He loves you and me, and because of this love we actually come to be. The fact that we are is founded on the fact that God loves us. But why? Why does He love us, why does He give us existence and life and all good things? Is it because God somehow needs us, or because we make Him happier than He would be without us? Would God be less good, or less great, or less joyful if we weren't around? Absolutely not. God is already, in Himself, infinitely happy, infinitely good, and infinitely great, so it's inconceivable that we could add to Him in any way.

On the contrary, God doesn't benefit from creation at all. Supplying creatures with existence is a pure gift, without any gain on His part. Creatures receive everything from the act of creation; the Creator receives nothing from it. From the Divine perspective, creation is an act of love which is totally and in all ways selfless.

This love which God bears for humanity is most dramatically exemplified in the mystery of the Incarnation. After the human race had responded to divine gifts with ingratitude, pride and disobedience, it was plunged by its own sin into desolation and misery. The world became dominated by physical suffering and death and also by spiritual evil that killed the soul. We had thrown ourselves down the well of sin and sorrow, and we lack the means of getting back out.

Yet out of His vast love, God chose to become man in a staggering act of humility. He goes on to suffer the most horrible agonies, culminating in death on a cross, and then rises from the dead after three days in the tomb. All this He does for our sakes, even though there was nothing personally for Him to profit from it, and even though we had so disdainfully scorned His gifts of life and love. Here then, we see God loving in a manner that is still selfless, but also excruciatingly sacrificial.

Two Kinds of Love

The two chief characteristics of God's love are, therefore, selflessness and sacrifice. Consequently, in the virtue of Charity, our love must embody these two attributes. Of course, the fact that we must be selfless does not imply that we can never consider our own needs and desires. After all, the virtue of hope is based on fulfilling one's own need: "I want to get to Heaven; I need to get to Heaven." Hope is the desire for supernatural good insofar as it will make oneself happy. This is, in itself, completely appropriate, but it must also be complimented by charity, which is the desire for supernatural good insofar as something which will make God and neighbor happy.

To have a proper understanding of selflessness, we must first understand that there are two kinds of love. "Love" itself is often a difficult idea to get a handle on. We tend to use it without any reflection on its precise significance. The broadest definition of love is: To want some good for someone. Pretty much every time someone uses the word "love" it involves a movement towards some good thing for some person.

But there are two ways to want some good for someone. The first way is wanting some good for yourself. Phrases like "I love Pizza," "I love summer vacation," "I love the Kansas City Chiefs," or "I love being in a romantic relationship," all describe this first kind of love. It's based on wanting one's own happiness. However, there is also another form of love which involves wanting some good for someone else. So, for example, if I were to say, "I love my daughter; I'd do anything for her," it would indicate that what I desire is for my daughter to be happy. Examples of this second love are the way all parents are supposed to love their children, the way Mother Teresa loved the poor, or the way we are all supposed to love our enemies. It does not refer to concern for our own enjoyment, but rather a willingness to work for someone else's well-being.

Now, these two loves, the first which is self-focused and the second which is other-focused, are complimentary. Ideally, one should experience both. Consider the love between a husband and wife. When the man says, "I love you," to the woman, he normally means a) "You make me happy," and b) "I will try to make you happy." However, if all love is reduced to the first kind of statement, that is, to self-focused love, then love is impoverished and of little worth. Such love will not fulfill, and will eventually collapse. In dealing with those around us, we should strive to foster both forms of love.

Charity in Marital Relationships

Again, our standard for charity towards those around us is God's love. In fact, Christ explicitly gave us this standard, saying, "A new commandment I give you: love one another as I have loved you," that is, selflessly and sacrificially. Consequently, whether we have genuine charity for our neighbors depends on whether we are willing to give selflessly and sacrificially for their sakes. Notice that Our Lord does not offer this principle as advice, but rather as a commandment; we are obliged to love selflessly and sacrificially. As Christians, we are obliged to spend time with people we don't enjoy, to be kind to our enemies, to strive for reconciliation with estranged family members, and to show our affection for people we don't get along with.

One of the most important applications of the virtue of charity to daily life regards the institution of marriage. Charity demands that if we get married, we continue to love and serve our spouses even if we feel like we can't stand them another second. It is a shame that in today's society, marriage, like religion, is so often treated as something a person sticks with "as long as it works for him or her” Then, when the relationship between spouses become unpleasant, the standard response is simply to quit. The Catholic understanding of marriage, by contrast, is one whereby the spouses learn the art of charity through service and sacrifice. The husband should not think about how the wife should be satisfying him, but how he should be laying down his life for her. The same goes for the wife. And of course, this will involve great pain and difficulty. Remember, marriage is founded on the model of Christ's love for the Church, and Christ showed that love by undergoing excruciating torment and death for the sake of His Spouse. Consequently, to think of a marriage apart from sacrifice is like thinking of Christ apart from the Cross. Such a relationship will be empty, and will lack an enduring foundation of charity.

Definition of Humility

What comes to mind when you hear the word "humility?" When used outside of the context of the Bible, humility usually refers to a quality in someone who we might consider weak or lowly. A quick look at some synonyms reveals words like meek, modest, submissive, unassuming and humble. These are not necessarily characteristics that are pushed in society today, but certainly ones that Jesus pursued and that we should too. The virtue of humility is defined by the Catholic Encyclopaedia as "A quality by which a person considering his own defects, has a lowly opinion of himself and willingly submits himself to God and to others for God's sake." St. Bernard defines it: "A virtue by which a man knowing himself as he truly is abases himself." 

Bible Verses on Humility

The Bible teaches that our relationships should be characterised by humility, love and respect.

In humility consider other better than yourselves.  Each should look not only to your own interests but also to the interests of others.  Philippians 2:3b-4

Be devoted to one another in brotherly or sisterly love.  Honour one another above yourselves. Romans 12:10

Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others.  1 Corinthians 10:24

Be kind and tender-hearted to one another, forgiving each other just as in Christ, God forgave you.  Ephesians 4:32

As God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Colossians 3:12

Humility in Relationships 

The model of humility is Christ.  As Pope John XXIII put it, “the principal center of the divine instruction” is the Gospel passage: “Learn from me, for I am meek and humble of heart.”  In other words, this was no idle comment.  It was the core of Christ’s personality.Christ not only preached humility to others, he lived it himself.  Though he was the Son of God, he was born in a cave.  He worked as a carpenter.  He composed no great work of art; built no towering edifice; assumed no great political office.  He died nailed to a cross, the fate of a common criminal.  He did all this willingly.  And yet, he became the central figure in world history.

His central mission was to serve others.  If the acceptance of reality is the inward sign of humility, service is its outward sign.  It has been said that humility is nothing more or less than the will to serve.  Nothing makes it more difficult to serve God and those we live with than pride.  Nothing makes it easier than humility, which opens our hearts to the possibility of serving a person other than ourselves.There are many opportunities for service in the world, but none more important than those within the family.  Christ’s service was built on sacrifice.  Our opportunity for humble service may mean a great sacrifice like putting a career on hold in order to tend to an ill spouse or child.  It may mean nothing more than holding our tongue when criticized or helping a child with homework.Humility is all about relationships.  It is an acceptance of the reality that we are dependent on the God who created us, dependent on the love and help of those around us, and created in order to love and serve God and all his creation.

Humility in Marital Relationships

The design of marriage is modeled after God’s own redemptive plan that is reflected in His own person. The scriptures call the parallel between Christ and the church and the husband and wife a solved mystery. In other words, Christ’s coming and displaying God’s love for His people has unlocked the truths of marriage.God loved us, the church, even though we did not love Him. The cross was necessary for our sins to be forgiven so that we could be reconciled to Him. This is God's great love. This unconditional love is the first life principle that must especially shape a husband’s love for his wife. The scriptures speak so clearly of this love in Ephesians.

"In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, 
according to the riches of His grace which He lavished upon us." (Ephesians 1:7-8)

He loved us, chose us, sacrificially bought us so that we could belong to Him and share in His vast glory throughout all eternity. This is the real love of God that floods and radiates our souls even if we are loved by no one else. His love satisfies all of our deepest longings. We are able to perfectly respond to our mates through His love even when our spouse is unfaithful. But the mystery doesn’t stop there.

While the husband is to imitate God’s love to the church, the wife is to emulate the church’s response to her Lord Jesus Christ. As the church faithfully responds to the Lord’s directions, so the wife is to follow her husband’s directions.

“But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything” (Ephesians 5:24).

The church is awed that God would ever love her. She was an undesirable outcast. And yet, our majestic Lord purchased His people so that they could take part in His glorious redemptive plan and so that we could share in His eternal riches. As the church focuses on her inherent undesirability and yet her grand position, she is able to recast her life.

She is delighted and eager to be faithful and obedient to her Lord. In the same way a wife should take joy in being chosen by her husband to be his bride and live out her life and commitment in light of this. In her honored position, she delightfully does anything to be with him. She is eager to submit to his every word and whim. She finds fulfillment in that special position of serving her husband. Let’s note one more aspect of this mystery.

God has a purpose in His love. He has a purpose for His people. Oftentimes wives get disillusioned with the housework, caring for crying babies, wiping snotty noses. She needs to think back to God’s purpose for obtaining His bride. We see this in the following verses.

“In order that in the ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.”

For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, that no one should boast. For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them” (Ephesians 2:7-10).

How to show humility to your Spouse

·         Be selfless, putting your spouse first.

·         Be consistent with small acts of service

·         Welcome advice from your spouse on many topics and problems

·         Be quick to admit when you are wrong

·         Accept apologies and offer forgiveness quickly and freely

·         Respond graciously when you are really right and your spouse is wrong.

Importance of being Humble in Marital relationships 

·         There is humility in action, then  there is humility in expectation and evaluation.  We move from the paralysis of fear rooted in an expectation of personal excellence to the mantra, “Haven’t I already told you that” or “How many times have you done that and still not gotten it right?”The pride has mutated.  The pride now says, “I would have been able to do that, so you should be able to do that.”  Whereas before pride was holding me up to a level of elevated expectation, now pride raises my ability or expectation as the standard for you to meet.  In both cases, the absent effort or harsh tone is rooted in “I should” or “I could” (pride).Patience is rooted in humility.  Patience accepts that imperfection, error, inefficiency, and incompleteness are not beneath me.  That is humility.  When we extend this form of humility to our spouse (and children) we are incarnating the grace of God.  God rewards this dispositional obedience (yes, obedience to God can be as much attitude as activity) with more grace.When we put these two faces of humility into practice we experience a home where the atmosphere is marked by the grace of God and we experience the redemptive joy God intended in a Christian marriage and family.

·         Have you noticed that we spend the majority of our day operating in areas of specialized training, well-practiced skills, and personal interests?  When we get home we are asked to do a wide variety of tasks, many of which we have no particular passion for or interest in.  It is these tasks that we do to love and serve those we know best, while those we are least committed to get our fine tuned excellence. The response we too often give is to draw back from, neglect, or grumble about these tasks that are not our strength.  We may call it insecurity, but it is more often a form of pride.  “If I cannot do it with excellence and receive affirmation, then I will not do it at all or with much effort,” is our logic.  “I get to operate in my strength all day long and know how to succeed in that world.  If I am not sure that I will be a success, then I will not try.” It takes great humility and the heart of a servant to live in the area of my weakness for the love and welfare of another.  When we are willing to live in our weakness for the benefit of others, God rewards this humility with more grace.  This grace is realized when we resist the pride (“I should be good at whatever I do”) and take joy in imperfect (yet growing) service.

References 

·         Catholic News Agency. (2009). Charity. Available: http://www.catholicnewsagency.com/resources/virtue/theological-virtues/charity/. Last accessed 12th April 2013.

·         Matthew O Richardson . (2007). The Pure Love of Christ . Available: http://rsc.byu.edu/archived/living-book-mormon-abiding-its-precepts/22-%E2%80%9C-pure-love-christ%E2%80%9D-divine-precept-charity-moron. Last accessed 10Bible Verses for Women . (2012). Unconditional Love and Respect in Marriage . Available: http://bibleversesforwomen.wordpress.com/2012/08/31/unconditional-love-and-respect-in-marriage/. Last accessed 11th April 2013th April 2013.

·         Cindy Wright. (2010). Unfailing Biblical Love . Available: http://www.marriagemissions.com/marriage-bible-study-unfailing-biblical-love/. Last accessed 14th April 2013.

·         Betty Miller . (NA ). What the Bible Says About Submission in Marriage .Available: http://bibleresources.org/submission-in-marriage/. Last accessed 8th April 2013.

·         Bible Verses for Women . (2012). Unconditional Love and Respect in Marriage . Available: http://bibleversesforwomen.wordpress.com/2012/08/31/unconditional-love-and-respect-in-marriage/. Last accessed 11th April 2013

·         Catholic Encyclopedia. (2012). Charity and Charities . Available: http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/03592a.htm. Last accessed 11th April 2013.

·         Catholic Encyclopedia . (2012 ). Humility. Available: http://www.newadvent.org/cathen/07543b.htm. Last accessed 12th April 2013 .

·         Bill Strom . (2012 ). Are You Humble? Six Ways Your Spouse Can Tell.Available: http://powertochange.com/experience/sex-love/humble/. Last accessed 12th April 2013 .

·         Jenny Mullinix. (2012). A Wife of Humility- Avoiding Selfishness in Marriage . Available: http://blog.jennimullinix.com/a-wife-of-humility-avoiding-selfishness-in-marriage/. Last accessed 12th April 2013.

Focus on the Family . (2008). Humility and Sef-Forgetfulness . Available: http://www.focusonthefamily.com/marriage/gods_design_for_marriage/does_your_spouse_see_jesus_in_you/humility_and_selfforgetfulness.aspx. Last accessed 12th April 2013.