INTRODUCTION
Peace
is defined by Wikipedia dictionary as freedom from disturbance, a state of
quietness and tranquility. It is an ‘’ingredient’’ most desired by all and
sundry, it is one of the essence of human struggle. The need/presence of peace
in any family, group. Society, country cannot be overemphasized.
Without
peace there will be chaos and once chaos sets in, (there will be arguments,
quarrels) and using the Shakespeare novel title-‘’Much Ado about nothing’’
leading to discontentment, and growth of so many vices which will ultimately
lead to manmade disasters and wars.
As Christians, we are encouraged to leave a
life of emulation; emulating Jesus Christ we should exude peace in all our
dealings-Church, Schools, workplaces etc. We are to remove all obstacles to
peace in our lives and most importantly our immediate family lives hence the
need for this discussion. As Christ said in the gospels-Peace I leave you My
peace I give to you (Jn14:27)
These
days we find so many families breaking up through separation, divorce cases and
even annulment. yes! Marriage annulments. Whether we like it or not, most
priests if given the chance would not want to conduct marriages. The former
Secretary General of the Catholic Secretariat-Fr. George Ehusani once said ‘’I
don’t like officiating at wedding masses’’ because of an obvious lack of peace
in most marriages. Fr. Paschal Anionye also said once ‘’without thinking much I
can count ten (10) annulment cases that I am dealing with right now’’. Let us
know that we as lay faithful should not discourage our priests because they try
their best to break the word of God to us and our actions will make them
believe they have not done anything.
Marriage
is a union of two persons coming together lovingly to raise Christ-like
families with the ultimate aim of making heaven. We shall look at some common
causes of threats to peace in our various families. This is not an exhaustive
topic we are free to add some other causes and how to tackle them. They can be
divided into the internal and the external causes
Internal
causes are the ones that you and your spouse knows while the external is that,
that your extended family, friends and most likely the outer world knows or
contributes in distorting your family peace.
INTERNAL CAUSES:
·
Not enough knowledge
of each other before marriage
·
Lack of Finance
·
Difficult spouse
·
Difficult kids/Parenting
tension
·
Lack of
Communication
·
Not enough sexual
intimacy
·
Ill health
EXTERNAL CAUSES
·
Difficult
extended family members
·
Stress of work
Let
us discuss the Internal causes.
i.Not enough Knowledge of each other
before Marriage
It
is common knowledge that many couples don’t take time to know each other. They
always look at the externals. For the ladies, he must be “”TDHR’’ (Tall, dark,
handsome and rich). For the man, she must be tall pretty fair skinned very
“humble’’ and ‘’lepa’’ or ‘’orobo’’ as the case may be. People fail to look at
the internal qualities of their spouse to see if they could help them achieve
their goals and ultimately help them to make heaven.
ii. Lack of Finance.
This
is the inability of the man or as is practiced these days, both spouse to
provide enough cash for the upkeep of the home. In some cases it might bring
room for suspicion especially when the man drinks too much and stays late
nights after work. Or when the woman is the bread winner or earns more, the man
may feel intimidated and tension will arise in the home.
iii. Difficult Spouse.
This
refers to any of the couple that are so called ‘’principled’’ One spouse might
have an innovative idea to spice up the home and the other will refuse to
listen to the idea. This is not to say that some women might just come up with
so many unnecessary ideas that will make the man get confused. This reminds me
of a joke you must have heard but permit me to repeat it here. A woman was
always arranging things in the house- changing the position of chairs, bed etc.
So one night while they were both asleep, the man felt pressed and wanted to
ease himself. It was dark and being that his wife changed the position of the
bed the previous day, he couldn’t find the door. He woke up his wife saying
honey where did you put the door?
iv.Difficult Kids/Parenting tension.
This
is one of the causes of so many vices in the society Kids follow bad examples and
behaviours i.e. where a child is involved in any criminal/ immoral activity
like a female child getting pregnant before marriage.
In
parenting, you have to be on the same page. If you’re standing your ground with
your kids and not against each other’s parenting styles, the challenge is
shared.-Dr. Brosh. This may cause tension especially when one parent blames the
other for the child’s misbehavior.
v.Lack of Communication.
Communication
is key in Family life. We should be able to understand ourselves in the family
and the sign languages we have invented. (for better understanding, read
lectures on communication
by Mr. stanely Opara)
vi.Enough Sexual Intimacy
This
is the cause of so much infidelity in our society. We tend to think of
sexuality as romantic, but sexual release is a human necessity. “ says clinical
psychologist Andra Brosh, PhD. Just don’t withhold sex to get your way or
because you’re upset with him/her. Driving him/her crazy is only fun when it’s
playful, not punishment.
vii.Difficulty in having Kids
This
is one of the greatest threats to family peace. I will place it between the
Internal and external causes because internally you are very worried that you
are growing old without a kid especially when the doctors keep saying both of
you are okay. So many things will run across your mind and at work your
colleagues who do not understand your situation will be making jest of you
viii.Male Child Syndrome
The
society always want a male child to inherit their property and so called retain
their names. We as RESPAG members should let the world know that God made us
with unique packages and each child whether male or female is supposed to
unleash that package to the world and that way their names will be left in the
sands of time… For a better understanding on this, I refer you to page 51-52 of
Fr. Joseph Anokerie’s book- Beloved Parishioners…
ii. Ill Health
This
is a case of serious illnesses like cancer where one spouse takes charge of
everything in the home while looking after the ill spouse. It could give
him/her a lot of stress especially when the finances start crumbling since the
Ill person no longer works to improve the income of the home.
EXTERNAL CAUSES
i.Difficult Extended Family Members
This
is where a member of the extended family like the Mother in-law of either
spouse interfering in the running of the home. Patience Ozokwor of the African
magic fame is an example of what mother in-law’s do to young families causing
so much ‘’ado’’ where there should be non. Again we should be careful of how we
talk to the youngsters leaving with us especially if they are from the other
family. This also applies to friends.
iii. STRESS AT WORK (MEDICAL VIEW)
When
we come home from work we expect to be able to relax, unwind and spend time
with family, but even family life can sometimes be stressful. Stress isn't
limited to one aspect of life. It affects us in many ways and several areas of
our lives. Sometimes the most stressful time is the time that we spend with the
people we love the most
The
most common causes of stress in family life are finances, work and health. The
financial situation is the cause most often cited for stress in family life.
When there are money problems, people tend to live in a perpetual state of
stress. Work may add to family stress as well. There- are plenty of people that
feel trapped in dead-end jobs with no opportunity for advancement. They work
long hours, make minimum wage and struggle to pay the bills. Another factor
that causes stress is the lack of job security.
Children
are another source of stress. Parents try to protect them from the harsh
realities of the world but at times the obstacles can seem insurmountable
especially once children reach the pre-teen and teenage years. Parents worry
about their teens becoming involved with alcohol or drugs, or hanging with the
wrong crowd. They worry about their education, and providing for their needs
and their safety. Taking on too many responsibilities is another major cause of
stress in family life. Some people find it difficult to say no. This causes
them to be burdened with more than they can handle.
Health
can be a cause of stress, especially as people begin to age or if they have a
particular health condition. Living with ill health can be stressful enough but
most people are as concerned for the financial security of their families as
they are their own health. Parents who still have young children worry about
their care should something happen to them before their children are grown.
EFFECTS
Stress
can have an enormous impact on family life. A person suffering from stress may
be more sensitive and irritable than normal. He may argue with his spouse over
matters that usually wouldn't provoke such a response. A stressed parent may
snap at children over the smallest transgression, then feel bad about it later.
When one person in a family is experiencing high stress levels, everyone else
feels the stress too. Family members may feel as if they are walking on
eggshells. It is difficult to comfort someone who is extremely stressed since
they may become depressed as well.
CONSIDERATIONS
There
are several factors to take into consideration when dealing with stress in
family life. Once the causes of stress have been identified, determine whether
they have been long-term. For example, have money problems been ongoing? Has
your marriage been in trouble for quite some time? If so, you need to get to
the root of the problem to find a solution. Seek the help of a marriage
counselor or debt consolidation specialist to put the problem in proper
perspective. Find out what your options are, seek alternatives and work toward
a solution. Take it one step at a time. Another source of stress is that people
often try to do too much too quickly. When you take on more than your share you
are bound to end up feeling stressed. If you get behind in your
responsibilities and problems seem to mount quicker than you can solve them,
learn to deal with one situation at a time. Divide projects into small steps so
that they will be easier to handle.
SIGNIFICANCE
Stress
is a part of life and we are all affected by it in some way. But when the
source of stress is in one's family life, it seems there is no escape. You can
leave the stress of work at the office but when you go home to stress, you end
up living in a state of chronic stress, which is bad for everyone around you.
You may feel that you have to leave your house and go elsewhere just to get
some peace of mind. Dealing with that level of pressure is certainly not
healthy.
Use
a positive approach to alleviating the stress in your family life. Keep an open
line of communication with your spouse and family members. Talk to your teenage
children. Even if they act like they're not listening, rest assured that they
do hear you. Just getting your feelings out in the open can go a long way
toward relieving stress. Talking may not solve the problems that are causing
the stress but it can help release the stress you've kept bottled up inside.
Family stress can be vanquished when family members work together to solve
problems.
WARNING
Long-term
stress can affect your health in negative ways. Stress can contribute to a wide
range of health conditions from headaches to heart disease. It can affect you
mentally, physically and emotionally. Stress can interfere with your ability to
concentrate and interrupt your sleep patterns. Living with chronic stress can
lead to alcoholism, drug addiction, overeating, lack of appetite and
depression. Chronic stress can even weaken the immune system, making you
susceptible to a host of health conditions. All of these factors affect family
life, leading to even more stress in the long run.
PREVENTION/SOLUTION
Everyone
has stress in their lives but it is how you react to that stress that is
important. You can learn to cope with stress by looking for positive solutions.
Ask for help when you need it and keep an open line of communication with your
spouse, co-workers, friends and family members. People don't know how you feel
unless you talk to them. Don't juggle too many tasks at once and make one
commitment at a time. You can cope with the stress in your life if you learn to
expect a positive outcome rather than a negative one. People who live under
chronic stress tend to expect the worst case scenario. Stop dwelling on the
negative and envision the positive. Stress saps your energy. It takes the joy
out of living life. Learn to manage your stress rather than letting it control
you.
POSSIBLE REMEDIES
1.As
soon as you reach home, try to forget your office work and the tensions caused
by your duty. Concentrate on your family and its members. Do not let your
office tensions affect your family.
2.Invest
more time on something with your family members. Share your everyday
experiences with them.
3.Show
your love towards your spouse and Children. Greet them often. Buy them
something occasionally. Take them out and spend time with them.
4.Hug
and kiss your family members often, even for small things. This will
emotionally increase the bond between you and your family.
5.
Reminisce the happy moments you had in the past with your family members.
Recall those days where you had fun and
notice the changes that took place. See that such a congenial atmosphere must
be created in your family.
6.Visit
a peaceful place along with your family at least once a month. It can be the
Church or a park. Any place that is peaceful and harmonious will do.
7.Whenever
there is a decision to be made, take the opinion of all members. This will show
that you respect their opinions well.
8.If
you have little Children, play with them, tell them stories, buy them some
playthings.
9.Never
boss your family members, even if you are the head of the family. Remember that
a tree would look ugly if there are no branches. Hence everyone must be treated
well.
10.Do
not argue or fight with your spouse for petty issues. See that there are no
rifts in your family. However grave the situation is sit and talk to them
regarding the problem and the solution for it.
11.Family is more important than anything else
for any person. Hence give utmost priority to your family
CONCLUSION
As
the Church says. The family is the domestic Church and I will like us to ask
ourselves the following questions-:
1.
What have we done
to promote peace in our homes?
2.
Am I the major
cause of tension in my marriage/family?
3.
Have I been found
wanting in doing something that I have promised my spouse I won’t do again?
4.
Have I been a
nagging spouse?
5.
Have I made
efforts to satisfy my spouse’s sexual needs?
6.
Do I show that I
love my spouse in public places but at home I am a nuisance to the marriage and
ultimately, have I been able to help my spouse lovingly to reach greater
spiritual heights looking at heaven as the goal?
7.
Do I want to be
the cause of my Child’s misbehavior?
8.
Am I a disgrace
to my children by my drunken and immoral behavior?
9.
Do I help my
spouse in achieving his/her goals?
10. Do I support and treat my kids fairly?
